Meat Madness

What goes better with March Madness than meat?  Nothing is the correct answer.  Meat is superior to all other foods for sports watching.  No sports bar advertises 50 high def big screen tvs and the biggest salad bar in town.  That would be stupid and the place wouldn’t be open more than a month.  Sports and meat go together like steak and more steak.

ESPN has decided that a March Madness meat bracket is in order. I won’t give away the winner but I will say that the Chicken Wing gets robbed. Chicken Tails? Who eats that?  Who decided eating the ass of a chicken was a good idea?  Wings are like the stubby little legs of angels coated in delicious sauces of your choosing.

The bracket is correct about one thing however, Filet Mignon is perennially overrated. It looks delicious and meaty and wonderful and then you take a bite and you wait for the deliciousness to punch you in the face and all you get is a gentle nudge in the arm like you were just punched by an invalid. Then you realize for the price of this half assed 8 oz filet you could have had a giant ribeye, the steak champion (if anyone tells you different they are a communist).  Steak au Poivre only exists because filet is so useless you have to coat it in cracked peppercorns and then eat it with a sauce made of liquor just so you have something to taste.  Cooking with liquor makes anything better.   To clarify: Filet = invalid grandmother punch, Ribeye = A baseball bat of awesomeness right to your face.

So enjoy the NCAA tournament and if your bracket has fallen apart like mine go grill something and let your salty tears rain down and season the meat like so many missed 3 pointers.

What?

You on point, Tip?

You on point, Tip?

In 1991 A Tribe Called Quest released their classic album The Low End Theory.  It’s a top notch record and all, but it’s a little light on the meat rhymes — so we gave the jam ‘What?’ some love…

What is a pig if it don’t taste awesome
What is Six if she don’t know Blossom
What’s Garfield without lasagna
What’s ice skating without Tonya
What’s Donner party when they eat their dead
What’s crawfish if you don’t suck head
What’s Hamburglar he my favorite crook
What’s eyeball soup giving you the look
What’s Boyardee if it ain’t Beefaroni
What’s the Rock cooking if it ain’t jabroni
What’s Hamburger Helper’s talking glove
What is peace when you’re out hunting dove
What’s a pig foot just fifteen cents
What’s a meat pie guv’nah – fifteen pence
What is Spiro Agnew pyro
What is gyro said like gyro
What is strikes without three tries
What’s Chevy Chase without lamb fries
What’s Sizzlelean ain’t got no grease
What’s a bear claw yum yum police
What is claws on Wolverine
What’s fajitas without some beans
What’s lunch loaf when it’s stuffed with olives
What is a stone crab doing clawless
What’s monkey brains if you’re not Short Round
What is a roast if it ain’t been crowned
What’s honeybees if they don’t got hives
What’s Top Chef when you pack your knives
What is weenies no one knows
What is weenie straight lips and assholes
What were grills before George Foreman
What was Utah before Mormon
What’s my steak when it’s still bleeding
That’s called mooing – what’s Dahmer chewing
What is a slaughter – cows and violence
What is bacon? Moment of silence
(…)
What’s W like weinerschnitz’
What’s pimp shit like fish and grits
What is a sausage from Vienna
What’s MTV and Brody Jenner
What’s chicken fried steak without some gristle
What’s fried bologna without that sizzle
What is marble that’s that fat
What’s a Dracula without a vampire bat
What is a meatloaf without getting seconds
What’s au jus – oh, essence
What is Hawaii if you don’t eat spam
What is a rack is a rack of lamb
What is ham without prosciutto
What is tripe without menudo
What’s Benihana if it ain’t four course
What’s so hungry I could eat a horse
Oooh ooh it’s like that you keep goin
Freak freak y’all cause you know that we showin
What to go what to go what to go what to go what
To go what to go what to go what to go WHAT!