Five Guys Burgers & Fries Review – Mouth Smacking Goodness

mmmmm..... double meat bacon cheeseburger

mmmmm..... double meat bacon cheeseburger

I’m always on the hunt for a good burger joint.  You know the king I’m talking about.  The ones where the people working the counter and the cooks making the burgers seem to actually care about what they are doing.  I’m not talking about the fast food type of place and I’m not talking about a place that has a choice of chicken or veggie patty and tries to dignify the choice by still calling it a burger.

Five Guys Burgers & Fries is just one of those types of places.  The menu is quite simple – you can get burgers or dogs, and fries.  They even have a grilled cheese or veggie option if your not into meat, which is fine with me since they did the right thing by calling them sandwiches instead of burgers.

As I stepped up to the counter I realized they have a lot of choices for burger toppings, which are all free – no extra charges here, so be prepared when it’s your turn to order or you could cause a pile up behind you as you try and craft the perfect burger.  At this particular lunch outing I was feeling particularly peckish, so I ordered a regular cheeseburger with bacon, mustard, ketchup, grilled onions, lettuce, tomatoes, and pickles.  I also got a side of Five Guys Cajun Style fries.

When my number was called my food was handed to me in a plain brown paper bag that was already showing the beginnings of grease stains on it.  When I looked insied it I saw a very large foil bundle and a huge cup of fries.

Then I opened everything up.

Wow, good stuff.

The burger was a double meat burger (apparently that’s the standard and if you want only a single patty you have to be brave enough to order a “Little Burger”) and was piled high with the toppings I ordered. My fries were overflowing – so much so that they didn’t all fit in the cup and about a quarter of them stayed in the bag.

The cheese was totally melted and didn’t even resemble a square anymore, it was basically fused with the bottom patty. The bacon that came with the burger tasted like the kind of bacon that you eat for breakfast – thick and hearty. I kept having to stop eating and wipe my face and hands as the juices seemed to get everywhere.  The bottom bun basically disintegrated before I could finish the last couple of bites, where it went I wasn’t quite sure but didn’t really care.

The cajun fries were good but not spectacular.  I was actually expecting something with a little more spice to them.

Overall, I must say that this was one good burger and I felt totally complacent and at ease with the world whe I was finished eating. I was also full, but not so full that I felt overly stuffed.

Will I be making another trip to Five Guys Burgers and Fries? You betcha.

Nice to meat you! Here’s my card.


“Glad you all could join me today for this presentation. My name is Rocky. I’d like to take a moment to pass around my cards. If you have any questions, feel free to call the number listed. ”

(stunned silence)

“Um yeah, Rocky, can I have another card…it kind of fell into my mouth.”

That’s how I envision an encounter with this latest and greatest creation….the meat card. All I can say is, “Wow”. I wouldn’t want to carry one of these around in my pocket though. I keep thinking about mutton-filled pockets a-la Seinfeld and dogs chasing me for blocks after leaving a business meeting.

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Meat Madness

What goes better with March Madness than meat?  Nothing is the correct answer.  Meat is superior to all other foods for sports watching.  No sports bar advertises 50 high def big screen tvs and the biggest salad bar in town.  That would be stupid and the place wouldn’t be open more than a month.  Sports and meat go together like steak and more steak.

ESPN has decided that a March Madness meat bracket is in order. I won’t give away the winner but I will say that the Chicken Wing gets robbed. Chicken Tails? Who eats that?  Who decided eating the ass of a chicken was a good idea?  Wings are like the stubby little legs of angels coated in delicious sauces of your choosing.

The bracket is correct about one thing however, Filet Mignon is perennially overrated. It looks delicious and meaty and wonderful and then you take a bite and you wait for the deliciousness to punch you in the face and all you get is a gentle nudge in the arm like you were just punched by an invalid. Then you realize for the price of this half assed 8 oz filet you could have had a giant ribeye, the steak champion (if anyone tells you different they are a communist).  Steak au Poivre only exists because filet is so useless you have to coat it in cracked peppercorns and then eat it with a sauce made of liquor just so you have something to taste.  Cooking with liquor makes anything better.   To clarify: Filet = invalid grandmother punch, Ribeye = A baseball bat of awesomeness right to your face.

So enjoy the NCAA tournament and if your bracket has fallen apart like mine go grill something and let your salty tears rain down and season the meat like so many missed 3 pointers.


You on point, Tip?

You on point, Tip?

In 1991 A Tribe Called Quest released their classic album The Low End Theory.  It’s a top notch record and all, but it’s a little light on the meat rhymes — so we gave the jam ‘What?’ some love…

What is a pig if it don’t taste awesome
What is Six if she don’t know Blossom
What’s Garfield without lasagna
What’s ice skating without Tonya
What’s Donner party when they eat their dead
What’s crawfish if you don’t suck head
What’s Hamburglar he my favorite crook
What’s eyeball soup giving you the look
What’s Boyardee if it ain’t Beefaroni
What’s the Rock cooking if it ain’t jabroni
What’s Hamburger Helper’s talking glove
What is peace when you’re out hunting dove
What’s a pig foot just fifteen cents
What’s a meat pie guv’nah – fifteen pence
What is Spiro Agnew pyro
What is gyro said like gyro
What is strikes without three tries
What’s Chevy Chase without lamb fries
What’s Sizzlelean ain’t got no grease
What’s a bear claw yum yum police
What is claws on Wolverine
What’s fajitas without some beans
What’s lunch loaf when it’s stuffed with olives
What is a stone crab doing clawless
What’s monkey brains if you’re not Short Round
What is a roast if it ain’t been crowned
What’s honeybees if they don’t got hives
What’s Top Chef when you pack your knives
What is weenies no one knows
What is weenie straight lips and assholes
What were grills before George Foreman
What was Utah before Mormon
What’s my steak when it’s still bleeding
That’s called mooing – what’s Dahmer chewing
What is a slaughter – cows and violence
What is bacon? Moment of silence
What’s W like weinerschnitz’
What’s pimp shit like fish and grits
What is a sausage from Vienna
What’s MTV and Brody Jenner
What’s chicken fried steak without some gristle
What’s fried bologna without that sizzle
What is marble that’s that fat
What’s a Dracula without a vampire bat
What is a meatloaf without getting seconds
What’s au jus – oh, essence
What is Hawaii if you don’t eat spam
What is a rack is a rack of lamb
What is ham without prosciutto
What is tripe without menudo
What’s Benihana if it ain’t four course
What’s so hungry I could eat a horse
Oooh ooh it’s like that you keep goin
Freak freak y’all cause you know that we showin
What to go what to go what to go what to go what
To go what to go what to go what to go WHAT!